Saturday, November 22, 2008

Never a Dull Moment

So I've been promoting shamelessly the recently released ESV Study Bible, which I believe to be the best Bible ever produced. It's not the point of this post to tell you why, and I don't have time to do a proper review anyway. Besides, if I only posted things I could discuss well, I would never post. When our story picked up, I had bought two of them, neither for myself. So...

Completely unintentionally, I moved to a spot in New England roughly 45 minutes from the CBD warehouse. I actually don't know if it's THE warehouse, but that's just what we call 'round here. They have a sale three or so times a year where you can get some killer deals on Christian books and whatnot. I'm not interested in the whatnot, but cheap books make giggle...

I knew a sale was coming up, so I decided to attend with one purpose: Acquire myself an ESV Study Bible. Normally, you can get a genuine leather Bible for about $20, so that's what I expected to find. This is the overly drawn out tale of my journey and the fruits thereof.

The doors opened at 8, so I got there at 7:30, with 250 people in front of me. I felt bad about that until 8, when there were 1000 behind me...

I immediately rushed to the Bible section, finding about 75 others milling around. The eight tables full of Bibles were labeled by version, so I thought my job would be quick and easy. I immediately sought out the ESV section, but it took up only 2 feet, and my prey was nowhere in sight.

I was actually after another thing or two, so I found them and came back to get serious. Under every table, stacked two high, were boxes full of Bibles. For about an hour, I looked through every one of them. This was made more difficult than imaginable by the 250 people stuffed around the tables like a European soccer match (without the suffocation).

Do you know what happens when you put 250 Christians in a room made to hold 50? I'm sure it changes as time goes on, but if B.O. were water, I'd have drowned...

After my fruitless search in the Bible area, I decided to go to the scholastic area to look for a Greek NT I need. While standing in the mass, I noticed a guy next to me had what I was looking for in his hand. I smiled at him and said "Did you get that on the Bible table?" "Yes" he said. I smiled again and said "You lucky devil!"

This was not right thing to say...

He looked very offended and growled "First of all, there's no such thing as luck."

I tried to not look like anything and move away as quickly as possible. As my "luck", or should I say providence turned out, that wasn't very far in the subway-like atmosphere of stinky-Christian-bargainhunterville. So I resumed my search for anything that would let me never talk to that guy again.

No exaggeration, about two minutes later, I heard a voice in my ear- "And I'm not a Demon either..."

I just kept looking.

By this time I had been sweating to Steven Curtis Chapman for about two hours now, so it seemed time to pack it in and concede defeat. Things didn't really change for a while since all I could really do was turn the opposite direction and wait.

While trying to not pass out from the fumes, I noticed some warehouse gents with hand trucks wheeling out some more books. As "luck" would have it, they got stuck in traffic right next to me. I didn't have anything else to do, so I stole a peek into the box... Bibles! Could it be?

Top box, third book down, was an ESV Study Bible. I'd recognize that loveliness anywhere by now. So I told the dude with cart, "I need to follow you." He said "OK."

So with another change of directions, and a CBD lead blocker, Hand-truck Bill and stinky tired Kevin made our way over to a safe zone. It was there I met the love of my life: A black calf-skin ESV Study Bible. Retail- $158, CBD sale- $48.

Needless to say, I'm still trying to calm down.

Now when you look at the picture, you may be asking yourself: "What's that gold bar on the cover?" I'm glad you asked. It could either represent how much money I saved, or it could be the thing covering the engraving that they either messed up or had sent back, take your pick.

What can I say? I'm just one "Providential Son of the Most High", and my Daddy is good to me.


Caroline said...

Lucky you, sounds like a book (and a version) well worth locating. I may have to pay better attention next time someone at church mentions the CBD warehouse sale.

samuel said...

Great story. I think you should get your own product into CBD, an outdoor exercise tape where you can wear those long spandex-thingies you hike in...."Sweatin' to Steven Curtis Chapman with PacknJack."

That lucky devil needs to lighten up. Language isn't always technically and literally accurate. It's like when people say, "you're a good guy" and then someone always has to say, "No, no one is good, but God." Like, you know, maybe you're not quite getting Jesus answer, and maybe you don't understand hyperbole, and just the way normal people use language. Our camp is irritating in missing originalism and going straight to an impish literalism. When people say "Let's eat some bread," does anyone stop them and piously say "Well, Jesus is the bread of life?"


I am jealous of the calfskin. I paid 60 for genuine leather. That was 35% off.

gina said...

kevin this story is hilarious. now you have something in common with all those brides who go to the wedding dress warehouses and beat each other down to get the dress of their dreams. you should have taken a partner and a whistle and split up into search parties.